Oh God, where do I even begin? This feels so surreal, like its not happening to me. Except that it is. And I can't do anything about it. Whats past is past but Still. I know its nothing personal against me but I can't help feeling forlorn thinking that It Wont Be Me. You know. That it wasnt me. Of cos I would rather know the truth but it doesnt make it any easier to bear. I dont want to exist. I dont want to have to go through this. I dont want to have to bear this. Maybe its because nothing like that happened in my cloistered little world. Maybe Im molly-coddled, I dont know, but it just doesnt. I really never knew society's plague is so pervasive. Has it rotted out our entire generation before the age of 20? Sigh. I know all about forgiveness and acceptance and loving-the-sinner-not-the-sin kinda things but when it really happens to you? Its different. Everything changes. The world as you know it. The rug's been pulled from under my feet. I think of all the times we've talked about it, joked about it, and yet you let me believe that you were. I never would have guessed. Yet, I know its a thing of the past and you were waiting for the right time. How messed up is this. I need a bloody panacea for all this. Your past, My future, Intertwined. FML.

I know its a mistake, its a regret. But I hate that its a fact. It happened. Its true. What now? I dont know how to go forth from here. From where I am. I dont know what Im supposed to think of our ten months so far. I dont know how Im supposed to feel about our future. Nothing feels right. I dont know how to forgive you. I want to, but I dont know how. Im just a girl. Not even nineteen yet. Give me a break! Why do I have to deal with all this. I guess sometimes Ive got to grow up a bit. Stop thinking that everyones like me, stop being naive. Naive, is that what I am? Is that why its such a shock to me? Maybe I really am living in my own world. My world with unachievable standards and no compromises. Is it wrong to set standards for myself and the people Im around with?

But you. You're a decent guy. Thats the reason I said yes ten months ago. I trusted you. I loved you. And it feels like you've turned on me. Never felt lonelier in my pain.